Pyongyang: After having his Defence chief executed for treason because he dozed off in a high profile meeting titled ‘Dealing with Traitors’, eternal leader and Dictator par excellence Kim Jong-un sent a memo to the Pointless Killings Committee elaborating on six innovative ways to execute future sleeping beauties.
Sources deep inside the North Korean government indicate that Kim formulated this memo on the way to the classified nuclear missile silo where he was scheduled to oversee the execution of the chief scientist for making missiles with rounded heads. These pointers are meant to be taken as an express command of the benevolent leader and are to be inducted into the formal execution methods for all time (and beyond it).
Here is a copy of the memo that an anonymous source sent out to Faking News before mysteriously disappearing two days back. The document contains illustrative photographs to help the committee better grasp what the leader has in mind.
Top Secret Document
Six New ways to
#1 Running them over with Monster Trucks
Technique: Two monster trucks gifted to me, your leader, your God, your everything, by my best friend Putin will be used to run traitors over in the garden of my palace.
Slaves bonded labourers.
#2 Tying them to Test Missiles
Technique: Any traitor who happens to be convicted on the day of a test launch of our missiles shall be tied naked to the missile and then launched. Sex appeal will get more attention from the world press.
Priority status: All military personnel, my family members.
#3 Air-dropping them over South Korea
Technique: Traitors attempting to cross over to the
hated nation south of our borders shall be air dropped without parachutes in
Priority status: Civilians looking for a better life.
#4 Making them eat Radioactive Vegetables
Technique: Defectors working in sensitive national security fields shall be made to eat vegetables stored in uranium 238 contaminated storage.
Priority status: Scientists, researchers, historians.
#5 Feeding them to the Sharks
Technique: Enemy citizens captured within and beyond the boundaries of our glorious nation shall be sent to sleep with the fishes. I have waited to use this line from a long, very long time.
Priority status: Spies, prisoners of war.
#6 Injecting them with the Ebola virus
Technique: Old people and the sick are of no use to the economy (thus becoming traitors) and must be disposed off. However, this must be done with compassion. To give them a natural death, they must be injected with the Ebola virus which our outsourcing partner Boko Haram has sent us.
Priority status: Old, sick, unemployed
Note: This is a Faking News report that I did some time back for MyFaking News. It is to be taken with the humour with which it was written.