Atithi Devo Bhava? Indian Intolerance is at 100% & Rising…

India has always denied claims of being racist and Indians absolutely hate the guts of those who dare to call us racist. The one argument – that we are a multi-cultural nation – is the defence used to thwart any racism related allegation upon our spotless robe tolerance and brotherhood.

A Tanzanian student was stripped and made to parade around the roads of Bengaluru, the place we proudly call the ‘Silicon Valley’ of India, because a Sudanese man ran over an Indian woman at that spot. She was harassed, beaten; her car set on fire and received no help from the police – all because she was from the same continent as the person who committed a crime.

Political leaders then even had the ever-present audacity to claim this was not a racist attack when African embassies came out in outrage of the horrific incident. Although Sushma Swaraj did condemn the incident, the damage is done and there is no guarantee that it will not happen again. This is not even an isolated incident. Media reports suggest that hate crimes are taking place all over the country.

What is even more appalling and shameful is that the 'Invest Karnataka 2016-Global Investors Meet’ took place in the same city just three days later where N R Narayana Murthy, founder of Infosys, made a statement at that forum which needs mention here because he said, “My request to the state chief minister (Siddaramaiah) and industries minister (R V Deshpande) is to help us make Bengaluru more liveable for all, especially youngsters, by improving its infrastructure and quality of life.”

While the world is moving forward, leaving behind discriminations of caste, creed and colour; our country seems to be regressing into the dark ages of witch hunts, lynching, racial profiling and mob justice. And if this has happened in one of the major cities of the nation, it is shuddering to think of what happens in other areas.

In the post, The Wrong Colour of Skin – I wrote of how hypocritical we Indians are of our skin colour, about how we blame foreigners for racism and how our brand of racism is much, much worse.

Kim Jong-un's Six news ways to kill Traitors

Pyongyang: After having his Defence chief executed for treason because he dozed off in a high profile meeting titled ‘Dealing with Traitors’, eternal leader and Dictator par excellence Kim Jong-un sent a memo to the Pointless Killings Committee elaborating on six innovative ways to execute future sleeping beauties.

Sources deep inside the North Korean government indicate that Kim formulated this memo on the way to the classified nuclear missile silo where he was scheduled to oversee the execution of the chief scientist for making missiles with rounded heads. These pointers are meant to be taken as an express command of the benevolent leader and are to be inducted into the formal execution methods for all time (and beyond it).

Here is a copy of the memo that an anonymous source sent out to Faking News before mysteriously disappearing two days back. The document contains illustrative photographs to help the committee better grasp what the leader has in mind.

This dude!

Top Secret Document

Six New ways to annilate anihilatte destroy Traitors

#1 Running them over with Monster Trucks

Technique: Two monster trucks gifted to me, your leader, your God, your everything, by my best friend Putin will be used to run traitors over in the garden of my palace.

Priority status: Slaves bonded labourers.

#2 Tying them to Test Missiles

Technique: Any traitor who happens to be convicted on the day of a test launch of our missiles shall be tied naked to the missile and then launched. Sex appeal will get more attention from the world press.

Priority status: All military personnel, my family members.

#3 Air-dropping them over South Korea

Technique: Traitors attempting to cross over to the prosperous hated nation south of our borders shall be air dropped without parachutes in their territory.

Priority status: Civilians looking for a better life.

#4 Making them eat Radioactive Vegetables

Technique: Defectors working in sensitive national security fields shall be made to eat vegetables stored in uranium 238 contaminated storage.

Priority status:  Scientists, researchers, historians.

#5 Feeding them to the Sharks

Technique: Enemy citizens captured within and beyond the boundaries of our glorious nation shall be sent to sleep with the fishes. I have waited to use this line from a long, very long time.

Priority status: Spies, prisoners of war.

#6 Injecting them with the Ebola virus

Technique: Old people and the sick are of no use to the economy (thus becoming traitors) and must be disposed off. However, this must be done with compassion. To give them a natural death, they must be injected with the Ebola virus which our outsourcing partner Boko Haram has sent us.

Priority status: Old, sick, unemployed

Note: This is a Faking News report that I did some time back for MyFaking News. It is to be taken with the humour with which it was written.

With Great Power comes Great Responsibility: India & the UNSC

It’s been 69 years since India became an Independent nation. The leaders that formed the government then thought that the time was right for India to govern itself. The government today believes that India is ready to be part of a committee that aims to keep the world secure, the United Nations Security Council (UNSC). To this end, they have been looking for support from every quarter with the constant spate of foreign visits Prime Minister Narendra Modi has already made to several nations since his government came to power in 2014.

They feel the time is right for India to take its rightful place, seeing as it considers itself a leader in Asia. It is looked upon by various South Asian nations as a big brother, an insurance policy of some kind, against the threat that an aggressive China poses in the region.

For & Against India’s seat

But India has apparently failed in impressing contemporary world leaders who have opposed India’s most recent bid to restructure the UNSC like its reluctant friend US President Barrack Obama and its long-time ally Russian President Vladimir Putin. The third nation, China, in spite making tall claims of friendship during President Xi Jinping’s diplomatic visit, is still a regional rival along with another claimant to a permanent seat, Japan. However, the other two permanent members, France, under President Francois Hollande and the United Kingdom, under Prime Minister David Cameron, support India’s bid.

Other Contenders

Along with India, the other G-4 nations, comprising of Germany, Japan, and Brazil have all longed for a permanent seat in the UNSC. Germany, because of its GDP, which is the fourth largest in the world, Japan, because of its regional (albeit muted) power status in Asia, and Brazil, by virtue of being the only regional power in South America.

Shortcomings

Although India is slated to be the most populous country in the world by 2022, although its economy is great as an emerging market, although it has a stable democratic structure and although it is a responsible nuclear state, India hasn’t exactly been doing what one would expect members of a ‘security council’ to do.

• India hasn’t sent help to the coalition fighting terrorist groups outside its borders
• India is not involved in helping bring back a democratic government in Yemen
• India didn’t until very recently stand up for or attempt to mediate the conflict brewing in the South China Sea.
• India hasn’t spoken up on human rights issues in the Israel-Palestine conflict.
• India stood passively by in the Iran nuclear deal.
• India hasn’t done anything for the Rohingya refugees from Myanmar.

When you take a look at all these conflicts that India has deliberately avoided, stayed out of, skirted or just verbally condemned, it is hard to imagine that this country is a regional power which will do anything at all, even if it does get a permanent seat at the UNSC.

Favourable Statistic

However, there is one thing that certainly goes in India’s favour and that is the number of personnel it has sent to the United Nations Peacekeeping Force. India has sent 8,112 people and is third in terms of this contribution, Bangladesh and Pakistan holding the first and second positions respectively. The permanent members come nowhere close to matching these numbers.

Unfortunate Reality

However, merely these numbers cannot hide the fact that India has in fact chosen neutrality and made the decision to stay aloof from world conflicts even in this age of co-operation. Although India now contests that it just needs a two-third majority in the UN General Assembly to get a seat, the problem is that India might fall short on its claim to be able to handle that much power without taking on responsibility.

Owning up to the Real Issues at Hand

We see and are a part of a number of things that are wrong in society in daily life. We want to make them better, we want to be better as a civilization and we strive towards that very common goal with the rest of humanity.

But we sometimes lose sight of the bigger picture either by quickly finding someone to blame or getting caught up in unnecessary nuances that hide the real issue, which is then left to stagnate and dealt with at a later date.

Image Courtesy: pinterest.com

These are the issues that really need to be dealt with, the crux of the matter, the questions we should really be asking. Divided by categories, here are the real issues and their tangents we have been obsessing over.

Crime

Radhe Maa in a skirt or Radhe Maa abetting suicide

The self-styled ‘Godwoman’ known as Radha Maacame into the news recently for her apparently racy photos in which she is wearing a short skirt or a dress. Although the real issue of her involvement in the death of a woman in a dowry case came to light, everyone was obsessed more about her short skirt than her abetment of suicide. That says more than one thing about the Indian mindset.

Defence

Japan’s new defence bill or Chinese aggression in South Asia

Everyone, from pacifists, to students, to academicians, to the common people are opposing a bill cleared by the lower house of Japanese parliament that will allow their military to help their allies fight threats. This means, Japanese forces will once again be able to deploy beyond their shores. What is not being taken into consideration however, is the Chinese aggression in the South China Sea that is taking a turn for the worse and Japanese self-defence may be reliant on reciprocation of the same to its allies.

Social Issue

Politics or Human Rights in the Israel-Palestine conflict

Political deadlock between Israel and Palestine seems to have become a permanent feature for that part of the world. With uncompromising parties on both sides giving no room for a peaceful reconciliation, the conflict seems in no hurry to end. However, human rights abuses, both by militant groups as well as police forces seem to be sidelined in favour of sovereign territorial disputes, settlements and violence on the streets.

Culture & Heritage

Protecting Monuments or Stopping Conflict

Cultural heritage all over the world is in constant danger of being enveloped into the conflicts that result in their unnecessary destruction or the threat thereof. The destruction f the Bamiyan Buddhas (Afghanistan), the looting of Iraqi national museum (Iraq), the allegations of the Taj Mahal being a temple (India) and the threat to Palmyra’s ruins (Syria) is very real and disheartening. Religious intolerance and conflict will continue to exist till there is a shift in mindset or in vested interests, but heritage will not come back once it is destroyed.

Education

The Porn Ban or the need for Sex Education

Amidst the uproar on whether the Indian government has any right to tell its citizens what to watch on the internet due to them banning over 800 porn sites, the real point of sex education and its despondent state in Indian education has been lost. The government has cited immorality as its feeble excuse to try to get away with its regressive policy but all everyone can be bothered with is the right to watch porn. What about the real bad effects it has on children? The answer is lost in the echoes of morality, decency and the freedom of the internet.

Religion

Fanaticism or Blame Game

Religious fanaticism exists in almost every religion and even examples seem unnecessary in this case. How much ever one tries to deny it, everyone knows that fringe elements exist in every religion, the people who are either too naïve to figure out that they are pawns in a bigger game and those who do so for their own vested interests. But popular concentration seems to be on placing the blame not on these elements alone but on a broader spectrum of people, most of whom abhor these elements and wish to see them wiped out as much as any sensible human being.

Time for a reality Check, maybe?

Hence, to say then that we aren’t actually facing up to the real threat wouldn’t be much of an overstatement. Time to see things in a broader perspective, don’t you think?

Shashi’s Seven minute Succinct Speech on Saying Sorry

Quite the tongue twister that one, eh? Yeah, that’s what happens when you try to work a little too hard on your title. You end up making a tongue twister that hardly anyone can read, much else dare to click on the link and read the supposedly equally horrifying content contained under such a dubious head line. However, coming to the topic at hand...

The Statesman who almost did things

Dr Shashi Tharoor
Image Courtesy: thehindu.com

Dr Shashi Tharoor, the man who almost headed the United Nations, the man who knows almost everything about socio-economic India in the present age; this man almost brought the British Empire down to its knees at the ‘Reparations debate’ at the Oxford Union Society. The proposition was that Britain owed reparations to her former colonies for their colonization.

The Case for an Apology

The British Empire Anachronous
Image Courtesy: The Red Hat of Pat Ferrick

Dr Tharoor spoke eloquently for the proposition, made mockery of the opposition, cited statistics, and even managed to calculate to a certain extent, how much Britain needs to pay India if she decides to do so. But, in the midst of all the financial talk, he said something that made perhaps more sense than everything else put together: The need to accept a mistake and say sorry. To pay or not to pay is a matter of ambiguous uncertainty but to say that a debt is indeed owed is what is important.

Indirect genocides through the inaction of the British Empire through various famines and the active participation in human rights abuse is something that needs to be accepted. Although it is true that a deliberate mass killing was not initiated but the death toll and one psychological, need to be addressed.

The Unanswered Question

However, one question does remain unanswered.

Sixty-eight years on, do Indians even care about reparations, and for that matter, do any of the former colonies who have since then stabilized, settled into their democratic framework and progressed with the world into the 21^st century?

This question is not meant as an insult to all those who fought for our freedom or who lost their near and dear ones either fighting for or against British rule in India. Only time and the unearthing of bones long put to rest will tell whether we are indeed capable of holding on to an almost seven decade long grudge against people long dead and dusted.

If Minions were real, Humans would kill them all

Since the first Despicable Me movie released in 2010, toddler and teenage audiences have been obsessed by the little yellow innocently evil army of villainous sidekicks aptly named ‘Minions’. 

Although the minions were conjectured to have been engineered from humans by Gru, their master, the latest ‘Minions’ movie, released in 2015, apparently says that they were present as an individual sentient species on Earth since the dawn of man.

The Minions, considered cute, cuddly, oblivious to their havoc and seemingly unaware of their stupidity and utter devotion to pure evil, have won over audiences all over the world. This is probably what led the producers to make a film entirely dedicated to them as central characters and set the timeline as the prequel to ‘Despicable Me’ and ‘Despicable Me2’ where they serve as underlings to a super villain Gru in the former, and his reformed self in the latter.

Image Courtesy: red.fm

But the fan following for these adorable creatures can materialize only in cinema, as present societal beliefs and practices prove so blatantly. This conclusion can be drawn from just one pertinent question that needs to be asked.

“Would humans find the minions so adorable in real life?”

The answer must be a resounding ‘NO’.

If we strip them down to their basic qualities, the minions are a highly intelligent life form, very durable, capable of building and operating complex weaponry, socially inept, linguistically hampered, ardently loyal and in perpetual need of a leader (preferably evil).

Image Courtesy: quotesnhumour.com

If one were to go through these qualities again, the realization that this army of mad mercenary scientists want to willingly pledge loyalty to an ambitious psychopath hits pretty hard. Well, at least to people who know how civilization works.

Would governments in the world today accept this species to live and flourish alongside the human race?

Would they take the chance of the minions falling under the command of rogue forces, terrorists and dictatorial nations?

Would they not be swiftly and brutally exterminated because of the fact that they potentially cannot be rehabilitated (as evidenced by millennia of lack of evolution)?

Even if they did eventually learn to lead normal lives along side humans (which is not possible given the assumption that the Neanderthal was wiped out by Homo sapiens) would we accept them as equal to humans or would they be degraded to second-class beings?

So, is there a scenario in which the Minions manage to survive and make a place in the hearts of humans as they have in the films? I find it highly unlikely.

What do you think?

Lèse-majesté laws: Shield of Solemnity or Sword of Silence?

The term lèse-majesté implies injury or harm to the majesty of eminent persons, most often used to describe insults to monarchs and visiting heads of State and Government in many countries of the world. In some countries, it may also be treated as treason.

Since the decline of absolute monarchy in all but a handful of nations, there aren’t any strict laws against lèse-majesté but laws preventing the populace from speaking against democratic governments have instead sprung up, which basically amounts to the same thing.

Image Courtesy: genius.com

Recent incidents of people being charged with lèse-majesté in Europe show that it isn’t taken very seriously and may be categorized with similar laws like defamation or libel. Over years, these laws have been watered down by the rise of democracy and the lack of power wielded by the monarch. A Polish man was fined US $ 6,200 in 2005 for insulting Pope John Paul II, a visiting head of state. In 2007, a man was jailed for a week in the Netherlands for insulting Queen Beatrix. A magazine in Spain was fined for portraying the then Prince of Asturias and his wife engaged in sexual intercourse in 2007.

However, in nations like Thailand, where the monarchy is looked upon in reverence and is almost deified, lèse-majesté laws are brutal and have a maximum of 15 years imprisonment for trying to besmirch the image of the ruler, the head, the face and the symbol of unity of the nation. Also, lèse-majesté doesn’t need to be proved in Thailand, it need only be deemed to exist. The government has taken an increasingly hard line against those who criticize the monarchy, even though the king himself asked the public to do so because even he was prone to making mistakes. From 1990-2006, the country saw approximately 75 cases while it saw over 400 from 2006-2011.

The arguments for lèse-majesté laws can be made on both sides. On one side, they protect the sovereign, who may be the symbolic or actual personification of a nation, from being treated like a common person. On the other hand, it withholds from the public the fundamental right of the freedom of expression. Now that the world is over the whole idea of the ‘divine right’ to rule’, should the monarch still be kept protected or should the people get the right to express discontent and criticize those in power?

How do then governments strike the right balance between preserving the dignity of monarchy and preserve the right to expression? The answer is not  simple one but one perhaps that can be answered by ruling families themselves who can be open to civilized and constructive criticism, and learn to take sarcasm in the right spirit. Looking inward to introspect and improve relations with those devoid of “blue blood” may perhaps yield better results than laws dealing with lèse-majesté.

Whether you are a reader from a monarchical nation or not, I’d like to know your thoughts on the matter.

In Defence of a Sexist Prime Minister

According to our honourable Prime Minister, being intolerant of terrorism is a great thing, especially is someone manages it doing it despite having ovaries. Impressive, wouldn’t you say?

Well, everyone else thought so too. It is indeed quite spectacular to see the leader of the nation doling out a generous serving of a sexist “compliment” to the leader of a friendly nation. One would think he would also feel the same way about one of his predecessors who despite being the only the second woman Prime Minister in the world, held a dim view of the whole terrorist agenda in general.

Just innocent Prime Ministerial banter as usual.

Well, it would be wrong to place the blame for a sexist remark squarely onto his shoulders alone. He is merely the victim of the latent sexism and masochism and the patriarchal mindset that has been traditional in Indian politics for so long that people stopped talking about it in the last century.

Surely our beloved leader did not mean to degrade the office of a fellow Prime Minister and sound condescending in the worst way possible just because that country is indebted to ours for their very freedom. If it came to that, he could make the same innocent mistake with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff or say South Korean President Park Geun-hye.

In fact, there is a counterpoint to this whole thing which shows how much the PM cares about women, even those who don’t need it. His government recently refused to consider sending omen to the front lines in battle because guess what would happen if they were captured and held prisoners of war. Wonder what horrors await them in those concentration camps reserved especially for Indian soldiers in the country that uses pigeons as spies!

Although, I’m sure female soldiers would have preferred the Union Defence Minister treat them the same as their male counterparts. But, this is India, the land where women need to be kept safe from foreign assaults but can be raped, mutilated, murdered and thrown out of moving vehicles in the capital of the country. I’m sure they understand that.

So please stop criticizing the Prime Minister, at least when he is on a foreign visit. He represents our entire nation and our thoughts and our actions and our behaviour. He is the embodiment of all that we are and all that we aspire to be. To speak against the Prime Minister who has male genitalia and is flaunting his oratory skills in a foreign nation is against national interest.

Hope he had a better time than PM Sheikh Hasina.


Note: This post is a sarcastic take on what may or may not have been a highly sexist remark by one Head of Government to another. Definitely not to hurt anyone's feelings and sentiments. it is also not to debase or to defame our PM.

The Beef in Pakistan and the Ministerial Menu

The beef ban has become one big case of political posturing – deity worshiping – non vegetarian atrocity that has taken not one but two countries by storm. Sorry, three, you’ve got to count Nepal too.

The latest controversy in this cow murdering tale of dark comedy is Kiren Rjiju, Minister of State for home Affairs taking a pot shot at fellow Union Minister of State for Minority Affairs, Mukhtar Abaas Naqvi, for a comment that went basically like, “Want beef? Go to Pakistan. It’s awesome there!”

Now one might easily be confused as to whether the Naqvi is an Indian Minister in the Union government or the Minister of Tourism for Pakistan but the Indian Secretariat website calmly assures us that the Pakistan tourism thing is just a side job that’s totally legal because hey, why not?

I'm delicious & you know it!
Image Courtesy: says.com

Now Rijiju said that we shouldn’t be touchy about people’s food habits and when the PM (and I’m just guessing here) called and reminded him that he was also part of the government, Rijiju promptly blamed the media for misquoting him because that’s the most plausible answer given the circumstances.

Well, he then said that what he meant was actually not what he said and what he said was not what the media interpreted correctly but now what he was saying was not what he said earlier but something different to the effect that the Hindu religious population was a majority in some places and a minority in other places and that Arunachal Pradesh was better at cooking beef than Pakistan.

Got all that? Good. (Hahaha, I didn’t either)

So basically, by his logic, if all the Hindus in all the states got together to ban beef, the whole country would have cows jamming traffic in the middle of busy intersections? Damn.

Note: I'm not trying to hurt anyone's religious feelings but in case you're hurt, don't say the title didn't warn you.

I Founded my own Country!

“Give me Liberty, Give me Land, Give me Liberland!”

This is what Vit Jedlicka, the founder of a 7 sq km piece of land on the Danube River probably shouted at politicians from both Serbia and Croatia when they told him he couldn’t just go to an unclaimed piece of land and set up his own damn country. Why he asks? Because it’s apparently nuts!

Well, ask Jedlicka and his merry band of Liberlanders? Liberians? Liberlandians? Liberties? If they give a damn about what anyone says about their state of mind as they hoist their flag, sing their new national anthem and being totally awesome by giving the finger to their collective governments who made the mistake of allowing dual citizenship because they thought their citizens were responsible adults. Yeah, these people come from all parts of the world. I wanted to go to but it seems India does not trust its people like the Turkish government does.

There are a surprising number of self-styled Presidents and Kings and Dukes who’ve tried in the past and keep trying in the present to establish their own nations inside other nations, on no man’s land like Jedlicka did, by encroaching upon the sovereignty of more than one nation or in the middle of the ocean. Seriously!

Not Featured here: An Emperor.
Image Courtesy: Republic of Molossia.

These people even held a United Nations-like conference in April this year so that they could get to know each other, discuss their problems and know why they thought establishing their own country was a good idea in the first place. One guy is trying to get his own country near Egypt because he wants his daughter to be a real Princess. Really? And guess what all you little, less fortunate kids of the world; Disney is even making a movie on her! Go cry.

The establishment of such micro-nations, as they have been termed, is a growing trend even if it’s not a new one. The thought-provoking thing here is why all these people want their own countries?

 Is it because they’re tired of living in one country?

Happens to us all

 Is it because they don’t like the laws?

Well, nobody does

Is it because they’re trying to bring a revolution?

That makes sense

Do they want their children to be Disney Princesses?

There is something wrong with people

Do they want more international chaos than what already exists?

Peace is so boring

Do they want an army to chase them back home and then get ‘exiled’ status?

Definition of FUN!

Do they actually have a reason at all?

The Mystery!

Although all these Highnesses and Majesties and Honourables don’t have one particular answer to this question, it seems like governments who have problems with these people will sooner or later stop laughing at them and realize they should have stopped them a long time back… when they could. But by then:

WELCOME TO THE NEW WORLD ORDER

5 ways Modi is helping India with his manic Wanderlust

Narendra Modi has gone on 16 foreign visits to 15 countries (visiting Nepal twice) since he took office in 2014. Out of these, five have been to summits which include BRICS, UNGA, ASEAN, G20 and SAARC, while the others have been state visits.

There has been criticism as well as praise for the Prime Minister’s travels abroad for bilateral, multilateral and summit meetings with heads of state and fellow heads of governments. Mr Modi has been on a whirlwind tour of friendly nations and his government has played an important part in helping other nations with their problems.

Helping Maldives with its water crises, Nepal with earthquake relief and a half-dozen more nations with evacuation of their citizens from war-torn Yemen has been a show of solidarity, strength and a sign of deepening ties with India’s neighbours by a PM whose symbolism is not only hard, but impossible to miss.

In a series of brilliantly executed foreign policy measures that has seen even the Union Minister for External Affairs noticeably sidelined, the PM has created such immense opportunities for India that even the most ardent of his critics must admit that Indian leadership of this kind on the international stage hasn’t been seen perhaps since the time of Jawaharlal Nehru, and that’s saying something.

Here are the FIVE reasons why a PM on the go has helped India stabilize and improve its image abroad:

1.       Marching Westwards

Mr Modi’s visits to the ‘Western’ nations, including the United States, Germany, France and Canada has emphasised on a possible break from Russia’s influence and a march towards the West, an improvement on many levels since India would certainly not want to be seen snuggling with an international aggressor. However, although India did support Russia’s anti-gay legislation at the UN, the trend of this government’s foreign policy is definitely looking towards the west.

2.       Looking back East

The PM hosted Chinese President Xi Jinping and is slated to return the visit later this month. But this visit has been strategically placed after his visits to the rest of South Asia. This can only be seen as a sign of solidarity with smaller neighbours in the vicinity who view India as the only friendly nation powerful enough to counter the Chinese threat in the Asia-Pacific. Visits to Bhutan, Nepal, Japan, Myanmar, Australia, Fiji, Seychelles, Mauritius, Sri Lanka and Singapore coupled with the invitation for them to attend his swearing-in ceremony sealed his commitment to India again being forthcoming to address issues of regional significance after years of a dormant and laid-back attitude under successive governments.

3.       Securing India’s Backyard

‘An iron hand in a velvet glove’ is what Mr Modi truly is. He has made sure that his voice of co-operation and failing that, the sound of his cannons, is heard from Kabul in the west to Dhaka in the east and from Beijing in the north to Colombo in the south. The first concentric circle of foreign nations surrounding India have been made to realize that she will not tolerate indiscipline at her borders and will act swiftly and decisively against those who try to violate her sovereignty as Pakistan has found in recent times.

4.       Bringing in Trade

Industrialists have always had better deals and working conditions under Mr Modi’s government since the time he was Chief Minister. He merely took his idea of local manufacture of products to the next level when he was called upon to lead the nation. The ‘Make in India’ campaign has attracted not only the attention of corporate giants and MNC’s, but also various governments who seem to think it is lucrative to enter into an emerging market as vast and diverse as India. There is something for everyone and ultimately the country has a lot to gain if investment keeps pouring in. Sectors previously under government control will gain momentum under privatization and decrease reliability on imports to sustain demand. The value of the rupee will rise and with it, prosperity. The defence sector has been given utmost priority in this drive which is a step in the right direction.

5.       Connecting with the Global Indian community

Being the ‘Rock star’ of an Indian PM, Narendra Modi enjoys immense popularity with NRIs and PIOs all over the world. Wherever he travels, he makes sure he meets the Indian population who come in droves to see the leader of their homeland and to hear the orator in person. The crowds at Madison Square Garden in New York, the Olympic Park in Sydney and Ricoh Coliseum in Toronto are witnesses to the fact that this PM has managed to unite his flock not only at home but also abroad. They believe that this PM will lead India into the glorious future.

Prince Harry is King of the Kangaroos!

[Reports of a coup by a member of the British royal household are coming to light from Australia suggesting that Prince Harry, the younger son of the heir-apparent, Prince Charles, and the grandson of the monarch has seized control of the Commonwealth nation of Australia and apparently declared himself King.

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

In an official communiqué to the world media, the ‘Royal Rebel’ as he is being called, has issued his official title after snatching power from under his grandmother’s nose. He has asked to be addressed as His Majesty King Henry of the Land Down Under, Lord of New Zealand, Overseer of the general Oceania vicinity, Protector of Kangaroos and Great Commander of the Australian Defence Forces.

This surprise move by the Prince is being heralded as a rebellion against Queen and country and there are calls to declare the Prince a traitor to the British Empire. Both houses of the British Parliament and PM David Cameron are up in arms about this coup and have declared his actions as not being jolly good at all.

Various reports have disclosed that James Bond, Johnny English, Magneto, Superman, the Amazing Spiderman and even Harry Potter who are of British origin have refused to side with their Queen, instead opting for Australian citizenship under the ‘Royal Rebel’.

The entire Australian Defence Force has thrown its support behind the ‘Lieutenant’ as they fondly refer to their upstart leader. The Governor-General, who represents the Queen in Australia has been in hiding and is presumed to be gathering loyalists to resist the hostile takeover till the British army arrives, which probably won’t, because Parliament is still debating how the gentle, kind and loving second son who was never going to get the throne managed to ridicule the empire by claiming two whole countries without firing a single shot.

After claiming a complete and utter victory over an old lady, the ‘Royal Rebel’ now plans to seize another commonwealth nation from his family in the letter of intent that he issued soon after his coronation ceremony. The letter reads: ‘Next stop: Canada.’]

[This is my article for the Faking News website. You can and probably should read it here: Prince Harry seizes Australian Throne, declares himself King Down Under]

Note: This post has been written for Faking news. Did you notice the ‘Faking’ before the word news? That’s because this is a parody of mainstream news and is supposed to be taken in jest and humour.

The Moustache with Political Affiliations

I work and study in another city so I have to travel home for functions and other things like letting my parents know I’m alive, that I’ve not dropped out of my study programme and that I managed to pay my rent on time so I wasn’t sleeping on the road.

I reached home yesterday for this awesome party my Dad my arranged, for my sibling’s birthday. Yeah, I never got those, but whatever. So, whenever I come home, I shave and travel because in my city I’m pretty ok with a beard and don’t exactly look like I’m about to pounce on someone on a lonely road but back home, there’d be a riot if my chin even has the inkling of facial hair.

This time, before leaving, as I faced the mirror, razor in hand, I thought to myself, “Let’s mess with the family.” I had thought of the most shocking, jaw dropping, bottoms upping and outlandish idea to blow the daylights out of the whole family by entering the party… with a Hitler Moustache!

Left - Hitler and Right - Chaplin

Well, the correct term for this badass of the facial hair world is actually ‘the toothbrush’ but you can understand why I would want to call it by its other name. Had I mustered the courage to pull off this, what in the back of my mind, was still a brilliant stunt, I have no doubt that I would have been ridiculed, shamed, laughed at and then ostracised for being a complete idiot by the entire family, the neighbours, and basically my entire city until I went and shaved it off. I’m glad that good sense prevailed over my sense of tasteless humour.

The idea, as foolhardy as it might have been, created a train of thoughts from the very perception that people have about this particular moustache. True, it is associated with a man who tried to wipe out a whole race of people because he decided that he was superior to them. But is that really the fault of the moustache? Was it the moustache that instilled a sense of supremacy in Hitler? Then why didn’t it have the same effect on the man who was just four days elder to him and presumably as famous as Hitler is notorious: Sir Charles Spencer ‘Charlie’ Chaplin.

Same as above.

A German and an Englishman, living in the same age, leaders in their own fields and sporting the same moustache, but the collective consciousness only remembers the one who has done more evil and not the one who brought happiness. It is not that I don’t realize the severity of events or don’t understand the horrors perpetrated by Hitler, I’m just pointing out that people may be more prone to violence maybe because it is an easier choice than doing good. Even neutrality is akin to siding with the aggressor and as Dante Alighieri put it, ‘The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crises.’

That may well be the reason that this particular moustache is forever associated by with the name of Adolf Hitler rather than with the most loved comedian of all time, Charlie Chaplin.

The General who beat a Retreat

For those of you totally oblivious to what is happening in the world around you, allow me to tell you how a former General of the Indian Armed Forces and present Union Minister finally completed his formal induction into the frat house that is Indian politics.

I meant only 10%, you imbecile civilian!
Image Courtesy: Google Images.

He managed to piss off every journalist in the country because of a slight and misinterpretation by one of them. And then, like a very conscious leader of international importance, tried to explain his way out with an excuse even North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un wouldn’t believe and Kim believed snake wine would help him have better sex, so that’s saying something.

The minister called the Indian media ‘presstitutes’ and this term went viral over twitter and very other social media site in no time. It is true, the man did an absolutely wonderful job of handling the evacuation of Indians as well as foreign citizens from war-torn Yemen, even personally going there to oversee operations and the nation takes pride in this achievement, I do too. But then some media houses known for ridiculousness went and did what they do best. And the General did something he was probably taught not to do… ever; he lost his head.

He lashed out at the entire Fourth Estate for plotting against him, hand in hand with the arms lobby because in his words, “They don’t forget.” Although that’s a cool quote and sounds like, “A Lannister always pays his debts,” it seems like the minister has been watching too much HBO for his own good.

The point here is that even if he was misunderstood and that he meant to point towards only a section of the media, he (a four-star General and a Union Minister) should have know that it would cause outrage among those who follow him and hold him in high esteem. Of course, one would say, he knew what he was saying. In that case, didn’t he realize the repercussions of his actions?

A person in his position needs to know what to say and what not to say and tweet or post because as an opinion leader in the nation and abroad, his words can have implications far and wide. His words may even lead to backlash and come back to him as they did in this case. It is the classic case of almost defeating the enemy, then chasing after them only to find the main army marching in to finish the job. He went too far, a strategic failure he should have been aware of.

Every day is 'Good Friday' in India

For those of you don’t know what Good Friday is, it is the day Jesus was hanged from a cross and killed. Just to make it clear, it isn’t literally a ‘Good’ Friday. The Vatican just thought it would be funny to confuse the rest of humanity, who, to this date, still very considerately text Christians ‘Happy Good Friday’. Well done Vatican, well done. I’m sure at least one Cardinal still tells this joke at the annual Papal dinner and the rest of them can’t stop chuckling.

However, the point is that Jesus died and the scriptures may say that he died for the sins of humanity and that it was foretold and that he had to pay the price to save mankind. This is what religion says. Now, if we just take it from the Roman and Jewish perspective, the man was stirring up trouble; Plain and simple. He was the whistle-blower who debunked old laws and gave the people something new to believe in. He spoke with an air of authority before those who weren’t used to people even looking straight at them. He defied almost all conventional rules and went even against the judicial system to protect adulteresses. He touched patients with leprosy and entered the house of a damned tax collector. That is why he had to die.

Shown here: Jesus whipping the crap out of money-changers in the temple of Jerusalem.
Image Courtesy: Google Images.

How many of you don’t know a person like this? How many of you haven’t seen stories of people in India trying to do good, punished for their deeds? Haven’t you seen whistle-blowers killed or jailed? Haven’t you seen honest officers transferred or killed? Haven’t you seen activists jailed or killed? Haven’t you seen leaders blown up for instigating revolutions?

Prophet – Sage – Leader – Activist – Son of God, whoever you are… if you go against those in power, you cannot live very long.

Jesus was a dissident of sorts. He strove to bring people around to the idea of thinking about what was right and not follow religious leaders blindly. It was the movie ‘Oh My God’, but playing out 2000 years back. Jesus spoke on law reform, commercialization of religion, better healthcare, and upper-class hypocrisy among other things. 

Son of God or not, the man Jesus was a revolutionary of his time and just like him, anyone who stands up to cry foul is shot down just like he was. The only difference is that Jesus was nailed to wood and today, revolutionaries and free thinkers are either buried in or burnt on wood.

The Great Indian Gay Rights Debacle at the UN

Russia put forward a motion in the Fifth committee of the UN General Assembly that challenged Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon’s changes to the international body’s benefits to partners of staff members. The chief of the UN, a supporter of equal rights for the LGBT community wanted marriage benefits to be extended to same sex couple working for the UN.

Surprise, surprise, surprise! India, along with other homophobic and intolerant nations like Iran, Iraq, China… yada yada yada, basically the whole Middle East voted for Russia’s resolution against equality! Why? Just because we don’t like gay people. Period. And also, Russia is our very dear friend and Putin is right in occupying Ukraine and may we please have that other burnt aircraft carrier you aren’t using? Pretty please?

Fortunately, 80 countries voted against this disgusting piece of legislation and supported the Secretary-General, leading to rejoicing among 40,000 United Nations staff members.

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

India has this time definitely shown its class by siding with theocratic, autocratic, monarchical and in-every-way intolerant nations by supporting this resolution. Although same-sex unions are illegal in India (which is ridiculous in the first place), this in no way means that benefits to employees of an international organization should be dictated on the same lame ‘Indian morality’ basis.

I believe, that this time the US is right in pointing out how Russia is bringing its domestic policies to bear on the international front and challenging the head of the UN in making policy decisions. Russia, under the leadership of Putin seems to want to delve the world back into the cold war era and India, instead of being non-aligned as it has been since independence, seems to want to dive head first into those murky waters.

India has taken part in a resolution that reflects how politics is played in its own parliament. The opposition often has a problem with government policies which are even good for the public. There will be endless debates, nonsensical arguments and chair flinging-microphone hurling-money waving-insult flying debacles for every other reason.

I’m only glad that our people haven’t begun doing that at UN General Assembly sessions yet. Because if… I mean when that begins, there will be no hope for the human race.