If Minions were real, Humans would kill them all

Since the first Despicable Me movie released in 2010, toddler and teenage audiences have been obsessed by the little yellow innocently evil army of villainous sidekicks aptly named ‘Minions’. 

Although the minions were conjectured to have been engineered from humans by Gru, their master, the latest ‘Minions’ movie, released in 2015, apparently says that they were present as an individual sentient species on Earth since the dawn of man.

The Minions, considered cute, cuddly, oblivious to their havoc and seemingly unaware of their stupidity and utter devotion to pure evil, have won over audiences all over the world. This is probably what led the producers to make a film entirely dedicated to them as central characters and set the timeline as the prequel to ‘Despicable Me’ and ‘Despicable Me2’ where they serve as underlings to a super villain Gru in the former, and his reformed self in the latter.

Image Courtesy: red.fm

But the fan following for these adorable creatures can materialize only in cinema, as present societal beliefs and practices prove so blatantly. This conclusion can be drawn from just one pertinent question that needs to be asked.

“Would humans find the minions so adorable in real life?”

The answer must be a resounding ‘NO’.

If we strip them down to their basic qualities, the minions are a highly intelligent life form, very durable, capable of building and operating complex weaponry, socially inept, linguistically hampered, ardently loyal and in perpetual need of a leader (preferably evil).

Image Courtesy: quotesnhumour.com

If one were to go through these qualities again, the realization that this army of mad mercenary scientists want to willingly pledge loyalty to an ambitious psychopath hits pretty hard. Well, at least to people who know how civilization works.

Would governments in the world today accept this species to live and flourish alongside the human race?

Would they take the chance of the minions falling under the command of rogue forces, terrorists and dictatorial nations?

Would they not be swiftly and brutally exterminated because of the fact that they potentially cannot be rehabilitated (as evidenced by millennia of lack of evolution)?

Even if they did eventually learn to lead normal lives along side humans (which is not possible given the assumption that the Neanderthal was wiped out by Homo sapiens) would we accept them as equal to humans or would they be degraded to second-class beings?

So, is there a scenario in which the Minions manage to survive and make a place in the hearts of humans as they have in the films? I find it highly unlikely.

What do you think?

NASA looking for Jadoo on Mars

[US astronaut Scott Kelly and Russian cosmonaut Mikhail Korneinko have blasted off in a Soyuz spacecraft to spend a full year at the International Space Station. They are attempting to create a record of the amount of time spent at this guinea lab to see what happens to these two lab rats after 12 months in zero-gravity, drinking recycled piss, hurling around the planet (wheee) and no sex… at all; a vacation that Valery Polyakov has scoffed at after spending 437 days in an older version of above mentioned space lab, in 1994.

Image Courtesy: Google Images/NASA.

Disgruntled astronauts who were passed over for this glorious mission, including Tom Hanks, who apparently didn’t learn anything from his Apollo 13 near-death experience, have alleged that this mission is a front to actually send humans to Mars from where a signal has been received in a single monosyllable repetition sequence that goes Om- Om- Om- Om- Om in different pitches. Tom Hanks is so getting fired for this.

Rakesh Roshan, Indian film director and the father of a Greek Demigod, seems to have strong views on the subject. Bruce Willis, who became head of NASA after blowing up that asteroid aiming for Earth and having a habit of generally Dying Hard for over a decade is also stoked.

Russia and the United States, the two nations whose astronauts are on this mission have vehemently denied these accusations of a world-wide conspiracy, calling them wild and misleading theories to create panic and bring down the credibility of their governments. They further denied building space weapons, continuing research on Skynet, the existence of Area 51 and that Will Smith had been awarded the Congressional Medal of Honour for bringing down a space plane in Independence Day.

Note: ISRO made the bolts for the garbage chute on this vehicle.]

[This is my article for the Faking News website. You can and probably should read it here: NASA’s ‘Year in Space’ is a conspiracy to find Jadoo]

Note: This post has been written for Faking news. Did you notice the ‘Faking’ before the word news? That’s because this is a parody of mainstream news and is supposed to be taken in jest and humour.

Japan fears attack from Kaiju, builds BIG wall

Tokyo: The Japanese government has approved a plan to build a massive 400 kilometre Kaiju resistant wall along its coastline after the movie Pacific Rim made a delayed release in the island nation. This has been attributed to the Censor Board of Film Certification in Japan being headed by an eminent member of the Indian community.

Believing the movie to be a foreboding of things to come and after watching the aliens in Avengers come down from the sky, the government decided that between the two movies and the possibility of a world-wide Zombie threat as portrayed in World War Z, building a wall around their nation was not half a bad idea.

The Japanese Union Minister for Infrastructure and Development had this to say about the matter, “If the Chinese can build a big wall, why can’t we?”

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

The Department of Robots has also been ordered by Prime Minister Shinzo Abe to build robots like those in Pacific Rim but which can also turn into cars like the Transformers so he can drive one around. Another different aspect to this demand is that the robots look like Manga characters so that they instil not fear but patriotism and high spirits among the citizens of the nation and they don’t wonder whether this awesome idea of his was just a waste of their money.

The ruling Liberal Democratic Party, known for supporting big construction tycoons has claimed to have almost familial relations with an Indian political party which supports energy tycoons. They have since sought their help in powering the construction of the wall and building a free floating port that doesn’t hinder the wall and help everyone’s friends make a huge profit in the bargain. This will also be seen as an active measure in boosting trade relations between the two South-Asian nations.

PM Abe says, “This Kaiju wall will not only be a protective umbrella for Japan, it will also usher in a new era of business co-operation between our two nations. #Abenomics”

[This is my article for the Faking News website. You can and probably should read the entire article here: Japan builds 400 km sea wall to fend off Kaiju attack]

Note: This post has been written for Faking news. Did you notice the ‘Faking’ before the word news? That’s because this is a parody of mainstream news and is supposed to be taken in jest and humour.

Beyond Boundaries

Today I was watching a lesser known film titled ‘Einstein and Eddington’. For those who have not yet had the chance of watching it, the film is the tale of two scientists, one German and the other English, set in the backdrop of the First World War and meaning to show how science, which was at that time, the right hand of the military, transcended national identities to give a clearer picture of the universe as we know it today.

This blog post is not a review of the film but rather an amalgamation of thoughts that it evoked at its outset.

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

The correspondence of scientists from two countries at war on a planet that is so miniscule that it fades into insignificance at the magnitude of the theory that one of them developed and the other attempted to prove says something about human endeavour and its burning passion for knowledge even in the most brutal of times.

The 1900s were probably not the best of times for free scientific research because of the pressures of continuous conflicts and the race to be at the forefront of technological innovation that was spurred on by warring factions in Europe.

Today, the times are different and collaboration has reached a level where it’s difficult to pinpoint which country developed what because scientific approach today is one where the entire race is benefited from work towards a common goal by shared research and development.

It is almost magical (and that’s an ironical adjective to use) to see how correspondence between two great and open minds helped to establish the new laws of gravity and its behaviour in the universe. What’s more is that an English scientist helped a German scientist prove Sir Isaac Newton wrong.

This uncommon, possibly dangerous and mildly traitorous collaboration at that time brought about future discoveries that would have otherwise been delayed by decades of war. And all it took was one moment of courage and determination by one scientist to pose a question to another who was looking to answer that very question but didn’t know how to.

This goes a long way in showing how much good humanity is capable of; it speaks of a glimmer of hope amidst the devastation of war and the continuous search for the truth in the bleakest times of barbarity that can be conjured up. The same mind that can unravel whole civilizations can also unravel the threads of the universe.

Humanity has two faces and even though it might feel like the good side is faded beyond recognition, it shines more brilliantly at the worst of times to give hope and satisfaction to those with faith.

Banned!

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

The government has decided that anything that does not conform to their version of morality will be banned; in the interest of the nation of course. Any manuscript, painting, photograph or film that does not uphold the standards that our ‘conservative’ government holds true, will be removed from the history books so that the innocent minds of the country are not polluted by it. Any reproduction, for commercial purposes or otherwise will be disallowed and anyone even held on suspicion of talking about such things will be beaten up by the ideological goons that may or may not have the support of the government.

The idea of the freedom of expression in this country seems to be quite skewed when one notices that things relating to artistic expression, depiction of reality and the cause of showing society the mirror are viewed as being obtuse, rebellious even. And on the other hand, things relating to the apparently ‘correct’ view of society, such as they are; that is sanctioned by the government, are given a free hand even at the cost of the resignation of the entire censor board.

I suppose if and when there comes a time in the history of a nation when those who seek to portray the truth have to leave it and seek exposure and asylum in foreign nations, that nation is not ready to face its own ugly reflection in the mirror of reality. That nation is surely going down a path where the government doesn’t want to show the truth to the people and when that happens, I think it means all is not well in that nation.

If our government is not ready to accept the reality of an abominable incident that took place in the national capital under their very noses and is not ready to accept a film showing the inequities and shortcomings of the state machinery and the minds of the perpetrators, the government needs a reality check and a break from trying to keep the ugly truth from the people.

And if the government still wishes to just ban anything that is worthwhile, go ahead. We will just download the stuff and then upload it again till everyone gets to see what you’re trying to hide.

Dangerous Dummies Dubbing our Films

I’m sure a lot of people around the world watch original movies dubbed in their own language. I’m sure you must have done so too. Come on, you can’t deny having watched at least one beautiful English movie torn to shreds in Hindi just for the fun of it. You were just bored on a Sunday and had nothing to do. You had a good movie but only the dubbed version which you are too good to watch because you are a true connoisseur of cinema. But what the hell might as well get a laugh or two out of it.

So you saw it.

You sat through the entire film and were laughing the whole time because you’d seen the one in English. But you’re also disgusted because you’ve degraded yourself by watching a ‘dubbed’ version, have you not? Aah! That short smile of guilt and regret tells me you’ve gone and done it… Tch tch tch… poor you.

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

But. If you haven’t or you regularly watch English films dubbed in Hindi because of reasons like the Americans don’t speak British English or speak it too fast or speak Americanese because they think that’s English… it’s ok. I can understand.

In that case, be aware that what you’re hearing being spoken in the film isn’t actually what the dialogues are. You might as well be watching a Hindi film with American actors.

To put it straight – What you’re watching isn’t exactly the literal translation of what is being spoken by the characters in the film.

If you didn’t know that then it is my unfortunate duty to inform you that thou hast been made what we in India call a ‘Bakra’. In other words, ‘a damn fool’.

Oh you already knew that? Damn. Then you read all the above for nothing. However, if you can still bear with me for a moment, I’ll explain myself.

You see, Hindi is as of now the third most spoken language in the world, Mandarin Chinese and English being at first and second places respectively. So when a widely popular film is dubbed into Hindi and is seen by the Hindi speaking audience of the world, can you imagine how many people only hear the bullshit that the dubbing artists spew out? I’m not saying that all movies are dubbed badly but in my experience, most of them are and when this happens, a lot of people less smart than you actually believe that load of nonsense.

Films, I believe, are the mirror of society, not wholly representative, but a foggy mirror nonetheless. People actually do connect with movies and believe what is shown therein to be a reflection of the civilization they come from. So when and if you watch a movie that has been dubbed in Hindi, let it be Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Arabic, French, Spanish, Austrian, German, Australian, British or American, there may be discrepancies in the translation and since you may or may not know all these languages, you may not realize the differences between the original and dubbed dialogues.

This is dangerous.

It is not always apparent but we do understand different cultures only by watching the films made there unless you are a globe-trotting multi-millionaire intellectual who understands culture only by going to different countries and observing them closely. So our thinking is affected largely by what we see in films. This effect is unimaginable if viewed from a global perspective of the number of films dubbed wrongly and viewed by the Hindi populace of the world. Try to think about that. I’ll wait.

…

…

Ok, now what one generation thinks about another culture is bound to affect the next generation because that is how one gains preliminary knowledge about the world. So the effect of dumb dubbing is not restricted to space alone, it also has an effect over time.

Whoa! Right? I thought so too.

So you see how dummies dubbing our films can be dangerous? If not, then please do watch the film ‘Men in Black II’ in English and in Hindi. My team and I found 74 discrepancies in dialogues ranging from geographical to cultural to racial to language based errors.

But damn is it hilarious!

The Rise of the Machines

[People say that the answer to whether or not we are alone in the universe is the scariest, I beg to differ. I think that the answer to another question is much more frightening. One that is much more probable; not only probable but possible.

Will robots one day rise up against humankind?

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

Now it may be that a number of sci-fi movies of such plots might have induced this paranoia, but assume for a moment that humans do one day decide to build computers that can think for themselves, rationally and without the buffer of morals.

Movies like the Terminator series, I, Robot, War of the Worlds and The Matrix all give reasons that are pretty valid to my paranoia struck brain, for an inevitable attempt at global domination by robots.

Another scenario wherein Artificial Intelligence might deign to take over the reins of governance on this planet is a loophole within the three laws themselves.

The fact that robots are already being used in war is not a great solace however great its merits might be. They are learning from us, what we know, what we do.

Beware, for they are coming not for you, but for the generation to come.]

[This is my article for the Youth Connect magazine. You can read the entire article here: A Horrific Scenario: What If Robots Stand Up Against Humans One Day?]

Oppa Terminator Style

I recently had my eyesight corrected through LASIK, i.e..  lens correction through laser. And for the next 15 days I had to roam about with dark shades even in the house, so as to protect my now-sensitive eyes from any damage. This was a great pain because even though you get used to them, wearing shades for the whole day and even while sleeping, is a bit over the top. But anyway, I bore that nonsense and now I'm spectacle free for the rest of my life after 16 years of constant companionship.

So, yesterday Dad took me shopping for all the new stuff I needed and after we’d bought the clothes and shoes and other things, I reminded Dad that I needed to buy my first ever pair of shades(Having acquired heavy-duty spectacles at a very tender age). And so we went to our regular optician and he began showing us a variety of goggles that had me completely confused as to which ones to buy. But as I was trying two of the shortlisted ones, Dad commented that they made me look like the villain robot T1000 from the movie Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Sure enough, I looked into the mirror and voilà!  I was a futuristic mimetic alloy sentient being come to buy some cool shades. And my choice was made! Obviously, I wasn't going to buy anything else that probably made me look like Salman Khan from the movie Dabbang. Come on, if somebody gave YOU a choice, look like a futuristic robot capable of changing shape or look like a buffed up Bollywood actor; what would you choose?

This would be a very easy choice for any self-confessed movie-nerd. There is absolutely no doubt that the Terminator series is regarded by some hard-core movie addicts to be a Classic. Oh yes, if you didn't know this, too bad.  The Terminator movies were possibly the first of their kind to mention the possibility of advanced machines gaining self-awareness and destroying human supremacy on Earth.

This idea, coupled with the indomitable and indestructible Arnold Schwarzenegger was a revolutionary and in fact a pioneering step in the cinema of the annihilation of the human race and the rise of the age of robots. As far as I know, it was only after this that more movies based on this concept were produced. Prominent among these films are iRobot, starring Will Smith and Transformers, starring Shia LaBeouf.

Secondly, even though the first movie in the Terminator series was not expected to make much money, it stayed at the top of U.S. chart for two weeks. This may be the direct result of casting Arnold Schwarzenegger in a role that required him to give no expression whatsoever. Perfect casting! Also he looks a lot like a robot sent back in time to destroy Earth’s only hope for a future. So yeah, well done James Cameron. For people born in the 90’s, the Terminator is undoubtedly their favourite movie of all time. You may not know this but I consider myself to be a connoisseur of good cinema (Even if it’s only I who say so), even then, to this day, my favourite movies of all time are the Terminator series. You may even verify that on my Facebook account.

So, Terminator shades? Hell Yeah!