When Terrorists ask nicely… you give them Nukes!

Senior Taliban leaders who gathered at Pakistan’s Republic Day celebrations on March 23 submitted a petition requesting Prime Minister Sharif to hand over 10 nuclear warheads with complimentary missiles to them to aid in their latest plot against India. This petition was signed by leaders of major terrorist organizations from around the world in return for a certain share of warheads to each of them.

Commanders of self-proclaimed ‘Jihadist’ organizations like Al-Qaeda, Boko Haram, Al-Nusra Front and Hezbollah have claimed signing the petition on their social media profiles, pages and handles using hash tags like #NuclearBoom #KafirsGoneDead #WMDism #LolObama #IronDomeDown #WeWantKashmir

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

Indian Union Minister for Defence, who was on his way to board his private plane for Goa because in his words “Summer is here”, had this to say on the matter, “Our boys are doing a good job at the border so no need to worry. If you need more details, go to Singh, he just had a chat with the people over at BSF.”

The Indian Armed Forces staff had just three words to say and sang it in such unison that could possibly be the envy of the cast of Glee. They said, “Bring it on!”

The Pakistani PM has declined to comment on the matter and his spokesperson assured the media that the parliament was deliberating on the subject and a decision would only be made after discussing all aspects of the nuclear request.

[This is my article for the Faking News website. You can and probably should read it here: Terrorist organizations sign petition for Pakistan to give them some nukes]

Note: This post has been written for Faking news. Did you notice the ‘Faking’ before the word news? That’s because this is a parody of mainstream news and is supposed to be taken in jest and humour.

Shame on Times Now

So what if India reached the semifinals? So what if they won every game convincingly? So what if the team won every match convincingly? So bloody what? They still LOST!!! How did they dare to lose at the semi-finals? It’s ludicrous, shameful, and absolutely wrong!

These are not the ravings of the crazy Indian fan who lost half a lakh on illegally betting on the match but a very carefully thought out strategy by the news channel with the most amount of TRPs in India and something that probably sprang up in the mind of possibly the most influential journalist in the sub-continent.

ArnabGoswami created the hash tag #ShamedInSydney after the defeat of the BCCI cricket team at the Cricket World Cup, 2015. Times Now endorsed this awesome tag because hey why not? Isn’t that what the country is going to do anyway? Start pelting the cricketers’ houses and scream abuses at them and burn their posters and effigies? Might as well make a profit out of it while the rage lasts and might as well add fuel to the fire by aggravating a country that is already deeply disappointed by its team’s loss.

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

It is disheartening to see such a mainstream media house stoop to such levels as incite the public instead of consoling them in such times and congratulating a team that has played really well after performing very badly in a series just before the World Cup.

It goes against the ethics of the broadcaster’s code as well as basic journalism. Hell! It even goes against human morality to aggravate public and turn them violent.

But, the response to this yellow and disgusting piece of journalism is one that I would not have expected from the Indian public. Thousands of people have got together on twitter to condemn the news channel for their actions and have unfollowed and/or blocked the channel on the social media site. This is a true example of the power that the public holds. India has shown this day that it is no longer the sheep that can be led where opinion leaders want them to go.

The people have also created a hash tag #ShameOnTimesNow to vent their anger at the irresponsible journalism of the channel. It is trending at this moment and is a delight like no other to see it do that.

It is the job and sacred responsibility of the media to show the truth, the whole truth, the unadulterated truth and nothing but the truth and Times Now has gone against everything in the above line and they will be punished for it.

Looks like Times Now is going to regret this one for a very long time.

The Great Indian Gay Rights Debacle at the UN

Russia put forward a motion in the Fifth committee of the UN General Assembly that challenged Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon’s changes to the international body’s benefits to partners of staff members. The chief of the UN, a supporter of equal rights for the LGBT community wanted marriage benefits to be extended to same sex couple working for the UN.

Surprise, surprise, surprise! India, along with other homophobic and intolerant nations like Iran, Iraq, China… yada yada yada, basically the whole Middle East voted for Russia’s resolution against equality! Why? Just because we don’t like gay people. Period. And also, Russia is our very dear friend and Putin is right in occupying Ukraine and may we please have that other burnt aircraft carrier you aren’t using? Pretty please?

Fortunately, 80 countries voted against this disgusting piece of legislation and supported the Secretary-General, leading to rejoicing among 40,000 United Nations staff members.

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

India has this time definitely shown its class by siding with theocratic, autocratic, monarchical and in-every-way intolerant nations by supporting this resolution. Although same-sex unions are illegal in India (which is ridiculous in the first place), this in no way means that benefits to employees of an international organization should be dictated on the same lame ‘Indian morality’ basis.

I believe, that this time the US is right in pointing out how Russia is bringing its domestic policies to bear on the international front and challenging the head of the UN in making policy decisions. Russia, under the leadership of Putin seems to want to delve the world back into the cold war era and India, instead of being non-aligned as it has been since independence, seems to want to dive head first into those murky waters.

India has taken part in a resolution that reflects how politics is played in its own parliament. The opposition often has a problem with government policies which are even good for the public. There will be endless debates, nonsensical arguments and chair flinging-microphone hurling-money waving-insult flying debacles for every other reason.

I’m only glad that our people haven’t begun doing that at UN General Assembly sessions yet. Because if… I mean when that begins, there will be no hope for the human race.

Japan fears attack from Kaiju, builds BIG wall

Tokyo: The Japanese government has approved a plan to build a massive 400 kilometre Kaiju resistant wall along its coastline after the movie Pacific Rim made a delayed release in the island nation. This has been attributed to the Censor Board of Film Certification in Japan being headed by an eminent member of the Indian community.

Believing the movie to be a foreboding of things to come and after watching the aliens in Avengers come down from the sky, the government decided that between the two movies and the possibility of a world-wide Zombie threat as portrayed in World War Z, building a wall around their nation was not half a bad idea.

The Japanese Union Minister for Infrastructure and Development had this to say about the matter, “If the Chinese can build a big wall, why can’t we?”

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

The Department of Robots has also been ordered by Prime Minister Shinzo Abe to build robots like those in Pacific Rim but which can also turn into cars like the Transformers so he can drive one around. Another different aspect to this demand is that the robots look like Manga characters so that they instil not fear but patriotism and high spirits among the citizens of the nation and they don’t wonder whether this awesome idea of his was just a waste of their money.

The ruling Liberal Democratic Party, known for supporting big construction tycoons has claimed to have almost familial relations with an Indian political party which supports energy tycoons. They have since sought their help in powering the construction of the wall and building a free floating port that doesn’t hinder the wall and help everyone’s friends make a huge profit in the bargain. This will also be seen as an active measure in boosting trade relations between the two South-Asian nations.

PM Abe says, “This Kaiju wall will not only be a protective umbrella for Japan, it will also usher in a new era of business co-operation between our two nations. #Abenomics”

[This is my article for the Faking News website. You can and probably should read the entire article here: Japan builds 400 km sea wall to fend off Kaiju attack]

Note: This post has been written for Faking news. Did you notice the ‘Faking’ before the word news? That’s because this is a parody of mainstream news and is supposed to be taken in jest and humour.

Summer is Coming… to Indian Parliament

Reports of the fire that broke out in the Indian Parliament premises being under control are coming in at this moment. Phew! Thank God no politicians were hurt! It must be the good deeds that they’ve been doing for so many years that saved them.

The fire department says that the fire started during the routine maintenance check of the air conditioning unit. But an unconfirmed inside source claims otherwise.

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

The source claims that the afternoon session of Parliament got so many tempers heated that it caused the air conditioning system to flame out and set fire to its main unit. Even the sprinkler system couldn’t manage to put out the flames because water going to its pipes had been diverted and sold off by a company allegedly owned by a man named by the source only as the ‘son-in-law’.

Military experts have claimed that this incident was a terrorist plan by the ISI who tried to spread poison gas in parliament through the air conditioning system…

[This is my article for the Faking News website. You can and probably should read the entire article here: Revealed: Why did fire break out in the Parliament premises]

Note: This post has been written for Faking news. Did you notice the ‘Faking’ before the word news? That’s because this is a parody of mainstream news and is supposed to be taken in jest and humour.

Beyond Boundaries

Today I was watching a lesser known film titled ‘Einstein and Eddington’. For those who have not yet had the chance of watching it, the film is the tale of two scientists, one German and the other English, set in the backdrop of the First World War and meaning to show how science, which was at that time, the right hand of the military, transcended national identities to give a clearer picture of the universe as we know it today.

This blog post is not a review of the film but rather an amalgamation of thoughts that it evoked at its outset.

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

The correspondence of scientists from two countries at war on a planet that is so miniscule that it fades into insignificance at the magnitude of the theory that one of them developed and the other attempted to prove says something about human endeavour and its burning passion for knowledge even in the most brutal of times.

The 1900s were probably not the best of times for free scientific research because of the pressures of continuous conflicts and the race to be at the forefront of technological innovation that was spurred on by warring factions in Europe.

Today, the times are different and collaboration has reached a level where it’s difficult to pinpoint which country developed what because scientific approach today is one where the entire race is benefited from work towards a common goal by shared research and development.

It is almost magical (and that’s an ironical adjective to use) to see how correspondence between two great and open minds helped to establish the new laws of gravity and its behaviour in the universe. What’s more is that an English scientist helped a German scientist prove Sir Isaac Newton wrong.

This uncommon, possibly dangerous and mildly traitorous collaboration at that time brought about future discoveries that would have otherwise been delayed by decades of war. And all it took was one moment of courage and determination by one scientist to pose a question to another who was looking to answer that very question but didn’t know how to.

This goes a long way in showing how much good humanity is capable of; it speaks of a glimmer of hope amidst the devastation of war and the continuous search for the truth in the bleakest times of barbarity that can be conjured up. The same mind that can unravel whole civilizations can also unravel the threads of the universe.

Humanity has two faces and even though it might feel like the good side is faded beyond recognition, it shines more brilliantly at the worst of times to give hope and satisfaction to those with faith.

The Tale of the Yellow Assassin

He was the patriarch of the family. He had all the makings of a leader. Well-built and intimidating, he sent everyone scurrying the moment he let his piercing gaze fall upon them. His yellow-tinted skin appalling and yet evoking respect from a distance. He was one best avoided, given his space for he didn’t take kindly to an invasion of his territory. As distant as he was to his own, he was even crueler to those who managed to fly into his trap. Cold and calculating, he was the ultimate assassin.

But his time was waning.

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

Now there was a new baddie in town, in His town. They called him the Flyboy. He struck hard and fast, before anyone could see him coming. He struck from the shadows and went straight into the light. He had made a name for himself and carved a niche right into His back yard before His lieutenants even realized that he was a threat. The Assassin was not happy… at all.

But he waited as he always did. Calculating the odds and sizing up his opponent before deciding to strike for that was his hallmark and the reason that he still had the city in his control.

The Flyboy was a new-age gangster who liked to do things fast. He didn’t completely understand the intricacies of it all but relied on brute force to claim what he wanted. He was reckless and violent and a pain for everyone who came into contact with him. The city was getting restless.

And the Assassin still waited.

As was bound to happen, the Flyboy spread his wings too wide and the Police Commissioner snapped. He ordered the immediate cleanup of all organized crime in the city. He gave a free reign to every officer and issued everyone the ‘license to kill’. He wanted the city free of these thugs who thought they could do whatever they pleased. Well not in his town!

The ensuing rampage saw the brutal mopping up of everyone on the other side of the law, irrespective of rank. The Flyboy was riddled by bullets inside his own apartment after a firefight that lasted half an hour.

The Assassin’s house was blown up with all his lieutenants inside. All his safe houses were busted and his gang was sent to sleep with the fishes. The Assassin himself was killed while trying to flee the city.

He had waited for too long this time.

Cast

The Assassin: A Spider

The Flyboy: A Bumblebee

The Police Commissioner: The Author

Setting

Author’s Bathroom

Breaking Chains of Religious Hatred

One unfortunate result of this brilliant communication application called Whatsapp is that overzealous and people of a more religious mindset keep sending novenas, rosaries, prayers, deep cries for help from the depths of their hearts and sometimes messages that are deeply intolerant towards other religions. Sometimes, the last type of messages almost makes one believe they’re part of “ISIS Public Relations Group”. And this is not to single out any one religion; these types of messages come from across the board and are sometimes wrong on so many levels that sometimes an argument automatically erupts even though deep inside one knows that it’s like talking to a wall.

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

Apart from the harmless prayers and the propagation of religion, the things that really are disturbing are messages that call for a radical shift to stop the perceived persecution of a particular religious group whose traditions (read: holidays) are being eliminated by the government in conjunction with fringe elements who wish to convert the nation into one religion.

There is a strong call to action in these messages that is almost frightening to someone who understands the kind of repercussions that can accompany these messages once they are kept bombarding to the general public. It creates the kind of schism that can lead to a deep seated hatred in the long run and as someone who lives in a city that’s already seen brutal religious violence in the past, it is horrifying to read these messages and makes one wonder at how things have gone so bad.

Messages informing of attacks on places of worship and forceful conversions take a turn towards absolute outrage that has been unseen in India before. Allegations on television debate shows are one thing and the active radicalization of those who wish to live in peace is another. It only goes to reinforce the fact that religions are always going to be violent, however peaceful they might appear on the outside. This is not a comment on entire groups but radical elements that fester inside and are reactive to even minor infractions by others.

These are no better than the terrorists who age open war upon society. In fact, they are even more dangerous because they wage their guerrilla warfare through communication techniques and so subtly that the recipient might not even realize the shift in their mindsets until it is too late and sometimes not even then. In the media, this is known as the ‘magic bullet’ or the ‘hypodermic needle’ theory where the masses are fed an idea without their realization or recollection of the same.

It is important to see through such messages for what they really are before forwarding it to other people so as not to ‘break the chain’ of “prayer” as mentioned therein. This will not only stop the spread of hatred coming from diseased minds but also ensure the peaceful coexistence that India claims to be so proud of.

Yeh Bhi Mauka

[Now when I’m sitting down to write this post, I assume that everyone who’s going to read it has seen the ‘mauka maua’ advertisements that Star Sports has come up with in the cricket world cup season. These ads have gone viral and well, in a nation that’s nuts over cricket, why wouldn’t they?

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

Its World Cup season so there’s a little bit more fervour than usual floating around especially with Dhoni becoming the only captain of the BCCI cricket team to win nine consecutive matches; one more than ‘Dada’ Ganguly. Impressive stuff! (I say BCCI and not the ‘Indian’ cricket team because the team is not sponsored by the government of India but by a private organization.)

In any case, this is not a rant about why cricket is given SO MUCH importance in this country; it is more about why football isn’t given ANY importance in this country. This nation chooses to support a supposedly national team playing for a private organization in a “World Cup” featuring just 14 teams selected out of the 106 countries that actually play the game. At the same time, it refuses to even acknowledge the existence of a ‘National Team’ that’s playing for the country in a 32-team tournament that starts out with a qualifying round that had 204 countries participating in the year 2010, making it a ‘REAL’ World Cup.

Now, India plays Nepal in the home leg of its qualifier round tomorrow and no broadcaster in the country is ready to telecast this event.]

[This is my article for the Youth Connect magazine. You can read the entire article here: India is Playing A FIFA Qualifier Tomorrow, But No TV Channel Will Broadcast It. Why?]

Go on twitter to voice your concern at no channel broadcasting football matches with the hashtag #yehbhimauka

Banned!

Image Courtesy: Google Images.

The government has decided that anything that does not conform to their version of morality will be banned; in the interest of the nation of course. Any manuscript, painting, photograph or film that does not uphold the standards that our ‘conservative’ government holds true, will be removed from the history books so that the innocent minds of the country are not polluted by it. Any reproduction, for commercial purposes or otherwise will be disallowed and anyone even held on suspicion of talking about such things will be beaten up by the ideological goons that may or may not have the support of the government.

The idea of the freedom of expression in this country seems to be quite skewed when one notices that things relating to artistic expression, depiction of reality and the cause of showing society the mirror are viewed as being obtuse, rebellious even. And on the other hand, things relating to the apparently ‘correct’ view of society, such as they are; that is sanctioned by the government, are given a free hand even at the cost of the resignation of the entire censor board.

I suppose if and when there comes a time in the history of a nation when those who seek to portray the truth have to leave it and seek exposure and asylum in foreign nations, that nation is not ready to face its own ugly reflection in the mirror of reality. That nation is surely going down a path where the government doesn’t want to show the truth to the people and when that happens, I think it means all is not well in that nation.

If our government is not ready to accept the reality of an abominable incident that took place in the national capital under their very noses and is not ready to accept a film showing the inequities and shortcomings of the state machinery and the minds of the perpetrators, the government needs a reality check and a break from trying to keep the ugly truth from the people.

And if the government still wishes to just ban anything that is worthwhile, go ahead. We will just download the stuff and then upload it again till everyone gets to see what you’re trying to hide.